Episode Three – Emily is shunned by Jehovah’s Witnesses

Emily Is Shunned By Jehovah’s Witnesses.mp3

[00:00:14] Welcome to shunned the monthly podcast where we expose the religions that use shunning as a method to coerce and control. These are real stories as told by the person that live them telling these stories takes courage and the strength to be vulnerable. After this week’s episode I encourage you to go to shunnedpodcast.com and leave a message for the person that told their story by commenting on their episodes. I’ve told mine and it means a lot to hear from people that can relate. Each person will be able to read and respond to your messages of encouragement. Now let’s listen to this month’s real life story of being shown. My name is Emily. I’m 33 years old. I was a Jehovah’s Witness and I’m Shantou. I was born in error as far as I can think back I would be in Syria fourth generation on my mother’s side. My father came into the religion as a teenager so there were no generations on his side. So my mom it made me farther than that but I can’t talk any of them to find out. It was just our whole way of life as a child. I didn’t know anything different. Just from very early on that we went to the Keenum ha and our friendships were all within our family and within the congregation. So that’s all right now for a really long time. Now when I first went to school I remember I don’t remember anybody actively telling me at that time to be an afraid people outside the truth I guess. But I remember being a very late mass vs. them mentality.

[00:02:30] They were different than me and we had something that they didn’t. And you know when I was in elementary school one of my one of my earliest memories is you know of course that’s when you’re first exposed to holidays and you know standing up for the Pledge of Allegiance. I remember kindergarten I was told by my mother to not stay at so I did. And one of the kindergarten age was very offended that I didn’t stand and I remember her coming and grabbing me by the arm and lifting me up to stand and you know as a five year old I was so upset because I didn’t understand what I had done wrong. I thought dad that’s what I was supposed to do and so that from a very early age you feel different. You feel those eyes on you. And I was always really uncomfortable when that I never felt like I was doing the right thing. I always felt like I was doing the wrong thing. One of the other things I remember you know was when everybody was painting Easter eggs I wasn’t allowed to maintain easter eggs so I had to paint a lamp which was still kindness really and that I had a big reason that I brought home and I just remember feeling bad like why can I make an egg you know like it just didn’t make any sense to me. But it was just obviously you know I was the only one in my class.

[00:04:07] I do have siblings but of course they’re different ages so I was the only one in my class that had to make different pictures and different sculptures and things like that and I never liked that my dad was raised in a Catholic home. And he was one of five children and his his parents divorced and he came from a broken home. And when he even experimented with drugs and he was just looking for something and when he was 17 he worked at a mechanic shop and there was a Jehovah’s Witness that worked there. And that’s how he got introduced you know and you know he actually studied with him became a witness that my mom there after and the rest is history. But as a result of that with my father having come into it later in life and he actually was disfellowshipped later on in life and I think the tone was always it’s kind of hard to explain. My mom was like hardcore in it to get brainwashed my dad was a little bit more real. So I had this struggle growing up between like my dad encouraged me to go to college encouraged me to play you know in the band encouraged me to do extracurricular activities whereas my mom was so close to. So I was always very confused. Daniel’s like my general in childhood wasn’t used that I felt like I had to choose which one was cracked and you know I don’t think I knew him when he was into it hardcore. I think by the time we came along there was already a lot of problems that he had with that religion. So my mom you know was one of them was my dad. I think all he would have wanted out of her was her to say you know listen you’re mine.

[00:06:09] My husband and I we’re going to get through this but it was very much like the minute he started to stray she was not having any you know what does that mean. Now is a married woman I can see how hard that would be. So there was a lot of my shit. I don’t feel like I had a bad childhood. I mean my dad took care of us. He worked very hard. I don’t feel like we ever really wanted for anything but that unemotional spiritual connections were so la that it affected me throughout my life. You know I did all this things and I remember going to serve us as a child and hate it and was always uncomfortable. I always felt like we were kind of used because you can say no to a child. You know so I’ll always I’m uncomfortable going on service. But as far as you know to go back I was with my dad and his struggles we switched congregations three times as a child because my dad was always thinking well maybe it’s the elders that are the problem. So it’s like big friendships were very hard to come back. As a result I never I mean I had someone a friends but we never hung out outside of the Kingdom Hall you know. So as a result of that my desire was always to be friends with people in school because I actually saw them from them you know so my grandfather my mother’s dad he was an elder. You know so we were very involved when it comes to that.

[00:07:53] And you know going to the meetings it was you know my dad was disfellowshipped when I was 11. So I actually don’t remember much prior to that. I don’t have it for that blood get out. I don’t remember a lot prior to that I do know though that was our line. I mean that’s what we did. We didn’t do things outside of that because my dad like I said he was always kind of on the edge. And like I said some humor would be maybe a little bit more appropriate than it should have been. So like I always felt like I was begging when I was around these people like I had to pretend like I was super godly and deep down inside I wanted to laugh at things that weren’t supposed to be veining. You know so I into the. That’s why I’m like I don’t know that it was necessarily them it was me. And I didn’t you know I never really know Kadak dad. There any awkward silences when the kids in the creation it it was for me my silence me because I’m always like hey what can I say next. What should I say next. How can I. I’m like I’m not listening to music that I probably shouldn’t be. You know I was I was vague I don’t feel like I’m down with the religion itself much later in life. I felt like I was in Maine you know because that’s kind of the way I was. You know I never never can say to my mom.

[00:09:30] Now I feel like I just hijacked that with these people because she would have had a gap you know so it was like I constantly felt like I was wrong. There was something wrong with me. You know whether it was Satan or whatever it was it was me. These people were all doing the right things and because I didn’t fit in there was something wrong with me. My dad was this notion that that he and I remember that night because my mom would not allow us to get to the king of Homs the night that he was announced and my dad did go to the king and mom. Like most people don’t know and when he announced it he stood up and had some choice words and then he hugged he found himself out of there. So I think my mom nil. There was going to be a scene and so we weren’t allowed to go. I just remember feeling so sad and then this had happened to him an and that was I didn’t know which way to go. I didn’t know where to put these emotions and so it was like I kind of reached towards my mom’s side and really pursued being baptized which is ridiculous when I think of it now because I was so young but I was just over twelve years old when I got baptized so very soon after that happened I kind of jumped into it and you know it’s one of the things I regret the most which is I’ll say bad now is it. And I I think about it now and I’m never actually really asked my dad because I kind of wonder what he was thinking in that moment. And if I had to guess he probably was not very happy.

[00:11:26] But he’s also one of those people that he lets you choose what you want to do. He doesn’t stand in your way. I did try some pioneering. You know when I first was to baptize then you know that kind of stuff. But you know I don’t know. Now I did try super hard you know and that kind of stuff I didn’t do it again because it was what was expected of me. And I got to say my mom. We live in Maryland and my mom moved to New Jersey which was about six hours away when I was a senior in high school long lived out. My dad made me dance with her family and that we had known in the end the carnation that had sent me Deb over to New Jersey. So I remember kneeling. I was only a senior. My brother was a sophomore in high school and I remember feeling sad. Of course you know then that my mom was leaving but there was this intense relief when she laughed because I finally felt like I can be you I want to be because my dad at this time was and was still this knowledge. So I began dating I had a boyfriend for the first time that I mean I had like boys all along but they were completely hidden you know never discussed and I felt like I was the queen of a double life for really grilling long time and I hate them because I wish that I could have stood up and just then this is I am and these are the people that I like but I did not have the combatants.

[00:13:17] I was not equipped to have the confidence to be that way. And so yeah I mean I got a boyfriend for the first time and you know my mom was like our conversations became news weather and sports. That was all we talked about we did not you know not now nine nine nine. You did not. Now the people that I hang out with on a daily basis she did not know the person that I was. So I would say from the day she made doubt that when the initial first time I stopped being a witness noticed me. But I it’s funny because I feel like at the time I thought I had discovered this amazing they’re all just wanting to a made in a way I wouldn’t get just on the shelf and I could still have my family. But I didn’t have to be a witness. And that worked for a really long time. And I thought it was the greatest thing ever. I still at 11 anymore I went. So I dated that you know was like my first boyfriend I dated him through the remainder of my senior year all through my college years which was I did two years of college. And then we broke up and it was a devastating time in my life. And at this point my mom had become privy to the fact that I had this worldly boyfriend and we broke up because she had a swigged in there and she asked me to get right by Jehovah and to live with her. And she had me right at the right time. And I thought what else do I have to lose. And then I die in my head.

[00:15:05] I’ve never actually given it a real shot. Maybe now’s the time. You know so and it was almost like see what the world has done to you. You know how upset you are. And you know it you it’s because you left Jehovah. This is why the way these things are happening to you when you’re 19 20 years old you’ve just experienced the first heartbreak of your life. It’s in me. Has you been doing wrong you’ve been sitting all this time. And so I thought no. So I had three jobs at the time I quit. Every single one of them that I’ve had that I’m six hours away in with my mother. And we can’t call these two years the period of trying because I really tried and I started a NASCAR nation. And let me tell you I don’t know I guess you probably have them first like you did show meeting that I had was because as a result you now had been pretty much out of the religion. Not this fellowship just out for the last 18 years. They wanted to now everything. Down let me tell you how uncomfortable it is for a 19 year old girl to sit in a room with three old men trying to ask you exactly what sexual things you have done in the past two years in detail. I remember my mom telling me you know to me you know I thought it was coming yeah I’ll start now nobody has to know anything my mom you know she will tell them anything. Well that was obviously wrong because she must have told them that I had a boyfriend.

[00:16:51] She of course didn’t know details of she. I mean that’s probably the gist of her knowledge was that I had one though I was told You know these three elders they want to meet with you and that don’t worry you’re not going to get disfellowshipped. And you know what she said that it was almost like that had hadn’t even crossed my mind that that might have been on the line every day. And she and I’m like well what do they want to talk about. She’s like well they just you know they just want to come to you about anything that’s been happening while they are gone and I didn’t agree with that. But I didn’t know at the time I didn’t have enough strength to say I’m not guilty. So I did. And I’m sitting there. Now granted I actually know a few of these people like I said my mom moved up there with a manly friend. So I had known some of these people and I’m sitting with one of them bothers me and I’m looking at him and he’s asking me now have you ever had sex with me on. When I had and I lied because I was terrified telling them that. So I’m like Okay this is what I’m going to do. They’re not going to believe me if I say we didn’t do anything so I’m going to just tell them their minimums then you know slide on by because that’s the thing like I wasn’t trying to be deceptive I was scared.

[00:18:20] You know they’re telling my mom throwing out the disfellowshipped word and I’m like well that’s what’s going to happen if I tell them that so I’m scared. So I dug a hole there asking Was there any penetration I’m looking at them like none of your business absolutely 100 percent none of your business. I’m like yeah. You know. Very uncomfortable extremely uncomfortable. That’s all they cared about. The only thing they asked me about this relationship with this boyfriend and how far we went. That’s the only thing they want to discuss. At the very end of then they inform me that you know by the grace of God they’re not going to publicly reprove me but they’ll just privately refrain in thinking to myself like seriously you guys honestly feel like there was a possibility that I’m going to show up in this nation. And the first thing that we’re getting here about me is that I’m publicly reproved or does fellowship. They said I felt like they were like they were near me a solid yet and we’re just going to try to leave Marina so that for me that meant I couldn’t go out in service which I didn’t care about. I did want to do that anyway. And I couldn’t answer and the meaning also was fine. And like thinking you know wipe it off the IPO Brown my you know I I did there’s I mean there’s still that part of me in the back of my head that was like you weren’t completely honest you probably deserved DVDs knowledge you get out. So there’s always that. You know that’s from a very young age that feeling. I’ve never really been true to who I am.

[00:20:17] Never felt comfortable to me that way as a result of the fear that they instilled in me from a very young age. You know I was sidebar and you know it’s funny because I came home from that judicial meeting and there was an elder in there particularly that I said to my mom this is one of the first times I remember Blake really opening up to her and I said you now I said I can’t put my finger on it but one of them I said I was just I had a bad feeling about her. She said What do you mean she gets defensive. This guy was you know him and his wife were a friend of hers. And I’m like well I said I don’t know. I don’t know. I said there’s just something about him that says Gail. And she got very angry at me and was like you know he is an outstanding brother and elder and I’m like I’m just telling you my gut tells me something about him isn’t right. Two years later he was removed as an elder for cheating on his wife. And I remember I wanted to say something to her so bad but I was like I’m going to let it down because I didn’t know that that’s what it was.

[00:21:29] But I just felt like you know when somebody I don’t know how to even describe it to this day when he the way he was and loving me the way he was saying I’m not like he is not any better than I am so you know that happens to me and you know I’m thinking I got you know I got a name you know I’ve skirted on by here and you know I began making friends and then I will say for the first time in a way this the friendship that I created when I lived in New Jersey were the most real. There were so many more people available to me there in the little town I grew up in. And I did genuinely have so much in line with these people. I felt like they were more diverse. There was more. I want to use the word leniency like you know every congregation is different which is funny but I’m now more able to be myself than I. But you know what I find funny is one of the people that ended up becoming one of my absolute best friends we met as we became closer we discovered that me and her weren’t all that different. And she’s been a scholarship three times to that. So it’s just it’s and you know it’s sad because we actually don’t speak anymore. Has kept giving. She kept getting Roback. I mean even when she would get disfellowshipped them I’ve talked to her like nothing ever happened. You know she would say you know I do I do love Jehovah and I would think in my head. Do I right. I just never felt that it was just you. I always felt like this image of Jehovah was not a loving God it was someone to me. Right. It was someone that was condemning me. I always felt guilty. I never felt like I couldn’t say I love Jehovah and.

[00:23:29] So what she would say that to me I’d be like we heard you telling her first not to like but yet you now but yet you have that and I don’t know. That would make me yell again like now then that I just said did anybody really and that me now. The 33 year old he had 21 years old he was. What’s wrong with Maine yet again yet again. What’s wrong with meaning even though I was still there when all the things I would say the only thing. Back in those two years of my life that I think about the friendship that I created with these people and the religion stuff in the background. I was not there my period of trying. You know it was Daryl not dare I say one of the things that was the catalyst for when I started that day I can’t do this anymore was you know remember you know my dad who lives in Maryland. He’s still a fellowship at the time and I of course still had a relationship with my daddy and I’m daddy’s girl and now they’ll have that I had an elder approach me at the meeting with some articles. Then he starts to stand up to me and I don’t look at him and then he starts to say about how you know when I lived in the home with my dad having a relationship was understandable because he lived in Long Island now that I don’t. Should I still have a relationship with my father. And I stopped them and I started to have been outed when I put my hand up and that I don’t need any of that. He had looked at me and I said because there is nothing you can say it’s going to make me stop talking to my dad.

[00:25:18] I laughed away feeling so empowered to a certain degree but so man no man. Then somebody had the balls to come to me and tell me to not have a relationship with my father. I mean and that’s why I say Langhi even if the child an intelligent person would come in the hall with the little girl he’d do the sitting in the chairs waving at them. I did not understand. And I don’t think I mean it could be heading in intellectually described why I felt that way it was just something deep inside of me that said how can you do that to somebody. How can you in any way. Yeah I know it’s funny because that outer never once said another word to me about a song what surprises me but I was land. I remember sitting in an assembly one Cong’s with an older lady and she said I heard they’re going to make marrying outside of the truth. Disfellowshipping offense and I just looked at her. I was like 15 at the time this was right before my mom moved and I remember thinking no one. How do you just make something in advance all of a sudden out of nowhere. No till I’ve felt so scared being had I knew even then the chances of me marrying a witness were slender at I was never as this day have never officially been dissolved. I’m probably should have been by their standards for sure. Speaking out on this you know it’s kind of funny because I’ve always said you know I’ve never really you know I’m married now and I’m not doing anything that I should be scholarship for.

[00:27:01] And then it’s like it dawned on me what a posting is like now. Well I didn’t think about Nana now but now like I just I felt like I always kind of heard it. And so that’s why I say that you know from when I left New Jersey and Ohio I was never a scholarship but I didn’t. I never went I never walked back into Kandahar I think I tried to go to a memorial every once in a while but like I was really just to please my mom that was you know I I never stepped back in so I was never really officially shunned at that point. My sister and I have an older sister who is four years older than me and you know my whole life. She got married at 19 to another witness. And so that’s her story. My brother is a year and a half younger than me who’s never been baptized. This is where the interesting Libo crazy is that my brother as a result of never having been baptized is free to all of my family’s love but I’m not and he is certainly not on anything by their standards. My brother actually lives with. It’s frustrating to me because there is this level. It’s totally unfair. I mean he is held to such a different standard because I feel like I guess in their world they still have a chance with him because he was never baptized they could still aim for that goal somehow. I love my brother obviously but my brother has had addiction problems as far as I know. He’s still currently does.

[00:28:52] And you know all of these he is into music so he performs in bars every night you know working towards a music career that he you know he has a girlfriend who of course is worldly and she’s invited into their home and the only difference is that he wasn’t dunked underwater. And the other only difference is and I feel like any sense my anger and his urine I tried you know and that’s where a lot of my frustration lies that you like I so tried to do the right thing. Well what they think is the right thing. And I have done nothing but punished for an end. So hard to know. I mean I feel like I love my mother. I deal. But the respect I have. I mean at this point in our lives I have almost zero respect her teenage son. Fast forward a little bit here like you know and this is you know of course my mom lives six hours away I’m home I’m living with my dad. My brother was still living around here at the time. And I ended up of course then I get into a relationship that becomes pretty serious. We we’ve moved in together and we end up having my first child. Let me tell you how common it was. I actually not even the one that broke the news to my mom because I was like so scared. But when I found out I was pregnant when there was there was that terrifying feelings. There’s no way I could pretend I don’t have a boyfriend anymore.

[00:30:35] He obviously had that feeling of relief that Okay now they’re gone and now I don’t have to answer his phone call if I happened to be visiting with them. I don’t have to talk about everything by him because it’s going to be so clear that I have a white Brandt’s. There was this feeling of relief till you know my dad actually was the one who told my mom and she called me and I was I would say I was pleasantly surprised she called me. She was crying and she was you know she wouldn’t say she was like a very sad and over into the conversation but she wasn’t shaming me for and which was very surprising. You know I was surprised but I thought hey you know and the same goes and you know with my sister it was kind of the same kind of thing. You know she already had some kids well but you know there was really no shaming more. And so I have my child both my sister and my mom came and were in the room with me for my first pregnancy and birth and everything and it was just weird because like I said I still have all these underlying resentments to my mother. Well you know she was caught. It was uncomfortable but she was there. Well you know I take that back. But a year later me and my oldest child’s mother split up. This was a very hard time for me because although we weren’t ever married you know living together and having a child with someone I felt very much like again. So at this point my brother has now since moved in with my mom in New Jersey.

[00:32:20] We are up and she says you can come stay with us. I think I’ll try them. I take my son. I go to New Jersey. I’m there. I’m not like I was treated so sudden LA when I got there my mom not once asked me how I was feeling. You know like I said this is a pretty devastating time for me in my life. I feel like I’m going through this divorce I have one year old who’s nine with his father right now in this tiny two bedroom condo and I’m on the couch. You know the room I was getting was on the couch just like I said I don’t know what I expected. I shouldn’t have expected anything but I guess I just kind of felt like the second class citizen that they took. And I got into a fine physical fight with my brother which is not something that I’m proud of. Not a person that I have and I have become a person that I never expected it as a result of all these feelings. And they they put on me I got my mom I remember my brother and I we we’re like any other states I’ve flushed him down here to the ground and my mom screamed and told me she was going to call the cops on me. And I was just like I just lost it. I mean I took all the pictures that she had of me in the house and throwing them on the ground acting extremely mad. I laughed at like 5:00 in the morning. I drove home with them when I went to get my side. She said Don’t you think he’s better off here with me.

[00:34:01] And I just was like I mean all the words are flying like mad mad on top of everything. Now I’m not a competent father. So I’m leaving. Like I said this is a six hour drive I leave it like 5:00 in the morning. She never once called me I’d say six months passed before I ever heard from her again. See if I was okay to see it. We made it home to apologize to anything dead dead Simons Mama any time. Our relationship has gone through these little cycles. The first person to reach out has always been me and Dedman than you now. I’m done reaching out to somebody that is totally fine with not talking to me or seeing my child or any of the above. It’s sad because when I had gone home you know my child’s grandmother you know she was like talking to me on his dad’s side. Yeah she’s like I just don’t understand she never even called even just to make sure that the baby was okay. I’m like now it’s not how she works. You know that’s how normal people work. You know I remember around this period of time of my life. It’s so sad to think about but I remember I asked my father and was like this mom. Did she love me when I was a child. And he just kind of looked at me he was like your mom’s changed a lot. You know it was like I couldn’t fathom I’m holding my little baby in my arms. And I’m thinking I can imagine ever doing this again.

[00:35:49] So I was like that unconditional love does not exist you know with my dad through all of his struggles and the choices that he’s made that I may not agree with or you know that have affected me in some way. I feel like I need to be in the in a ditch somewhere and call him and he would say Where are you. I’ll get you know it’s like. But my mom these basic name. Now it’s funny I think about things as we go. I remember when I wanted to go to prom my senior year of high school. This was my junior year. My dad took me to buy my dress my dad took me to get my hair done and the night of prom. My mom threw a Bible Lamming. She died maybe like some kind of osmosis would you. So rebidding in our lives I look back on these like I look at these women have relationships with their mother and I’m like I have never in my life have that. And it sucks because I felt like I said I knew like it affects me so deeply. It affects the way I’m parent it affects the way I’m a wife. You know this idea of conditional love it changes Eli Lake it makes you feel like you know somebody they could leave you in the drop of a hat because your mother doesn’t love you. Who’s going to cause problems.

[00:37:15] You know it’s been a struggles in my marriage and my husband God bless them on how he’s cut through the ringer sometimes because my insecurities have so deep all Greg from that and they’re still happy been it’s not even like you know I can say with your old in some way it’s still a year left. How did you ever say you try to deal with that. You know you try to accept the tide of reason now but there’s no reasoning out the insanity yet how I don’t think I ever really I would I don’t think I would have called it being shunned back then. I just thought I was there. Now my mother’s hatred towards me. I. You never really know because is why I say like it wasn’t until recently that I really started to kind of I mean I knew I didn’t want to be a part of the religion. There were things I absolutely didn’t agree with. But I still had that fundamental feeling that it was me that I just don’t fit into it and I’m doing something wrong it was like I would often say you now I think that what they just trail I just can’t deal with. You know I would say that a lot I. I wasn’t any religion. I didn’t I wasn’t seeking for anything else because I thought that was the true idea. It was yeah it was a struggle you know I remember that way when I had in high school I remember he invited me to go to his church. He was a Pentecostal church. I don’t know much about them but their real Holy Rollers know tons. And he invited you to come with him on Christmas and I walked in there and I’m like a lightning bolt was going to hit me. I was so uncomfortable get not they.

[00:39:11] I mean like the Kingdom Halls have no windows there says Guffey there. You know you raise your hand to speak. You know like mine was like what on earth did it. This is horrible. I thought it was horrible. And again we think it almost reconfirmed to me that the truth was the truth because it was so weird and so different. I don’t feel like that now but I’m course in the time you know it was such it was so strange to me that concept of people on me and speaking in tongues any types that they felt in any other religion I was I was just I was just living my life feeling like a failure that really Halan nouns. And now like I you know my own mother is ashamed of me you know just the kind of Mollet you know not only was it my mother my mum my maternal grandparents you know and my sister. You know we all had the same kind of relationship very strained to a certain degree. We could talk about things like me and my sister Guettel would get along fairly well as long as we weren’t talking about anything serious. I was always just you know we could laugh about these jokes about things but we didn’t really discuss the religion whatsoever and that how we were able to be sisters we couldn’t talk in depth about other things but not that you know she might say in passing oh you know I can have one service today and I’m feeling okay and it would just be like you know we did talk about it but of course I knew she was still there.

[00:40:49] Fast forward into my life I end up with you know my now husband but we got pregnant before we were married and I’m like yea I am again I’m here and I call my mom like I know one thing and my dad were abandoning my mom all this time no mom she never called me my entire pregnancy. I had the baby and he was about 6 months old and I sent her a message and said Don’t you want to know your grandson. And she wrote back. Of course I Dale how she she’s waiting for me. Mixed messages to me. You know it’s like you’ve literally just not spoken to me for about 18 months of my life. I’ve had I had a child in that amount of time. And not only that I have another child who was on this board and I have you haven’t spoken to or asked about in the last 18 months. You claim to have loved so much. You know like shun me they shun you now and so there’s that anger inside of me like how dare you do this to me. But how dare you do this. And then it got more intense for me the older and then I had children because I couldn’t understand it it became more of what you know what am I doing wrong. I was able to say what is she doing wrong like what is wrong with her. You know in these neighborhoods to kind of get in there.

[00:42:22] So you know we slowly started this little bit of you know she comes to visit she brings the presence she’s the Grammy everybody loves Grammy and I’m just like dagger eyes you know like I now feel that way when I’m around you haven’t had it like yet again. Had I not reached out would she have said anything like that really. Probably not. Yes. So I get married to which my grandparents on my mother’s side. They call me one day and they ask me who was marrying us. And I told them that it was the pastor from my husband’s church that we weren’t getting married in a church. I decided to get married in an outside location because I thought they can come to that right. My grandparents told me that they could not come if a pastor was marrying his high bring down. I mean like Loston again another dramatic huge loss then I call my mother. And I’m telling her like how do you believe they’re not coming. My mom says why haven’t made up my mind yet if I’m coming. What’s even worse. I don’t think I’ve ever screamed as loud into a fan as I did that day like I was holding it in front of me screaming into it so angry and then it was like. In the end my mom and my sister actually asked me in my wedding and she turned me down so fine but she did come in came and my mom did come and it was like all that did was show me that you have choices in this where I’m with my grandparents. They weren’t told that they could not attend. They chose not and my mom’s explanation you know like any other thing with the witnesses it’s Bowlby like she just said something about the cotton gin gang.

[00:44:22] You know so you know I say she’s shown up for that. Yes. Yes she did. She might as well not have. You know it’s like when you have those moments beforehand where she had to think about it and come out. So mom worked for me and so you know like I said we’re still alive along with this you know late relationship. I hold my mind and my get pregnant then with now my third child now this time I’m way less than unmarried I can do things like Intel or my foundation redeem myself you know I would like that feeling of guilt that I never called and Poder myself so I was like I’ve got a new idea. And you know she was happy. It was like and I finally have arrived. It might not be a witness. I’m not living in sin. I’m a good person. You know I’m not I don’t do drugs I don’t smoke I don’t drink. I have a good job I have a I’m feeling like she should be so proud of me. She’s 19 you know. So I come and find out I have my I have my daughter. She’s not able to come till about like a week later she comes and it was the worst visit we’ve ever had. My mom barely spoke to me. She barely paid attention to my daughter. She sat on the couch. There was just so weird and so uncomfortable. And that was the last time I spoke to her.

[00:45:56] She left my house that day and I’ve never heard from her said she’s not seen a single as far as I now as Marcy now goes I have Facebook and Instagram and you know how it works. You don’t have any friends anymore and they can still see things. So I assume she’s probably seen pictures of my children but there has been zero conversation said she walked out that day. You know outside of this dynamic would you do a pretty big dynamic it’s a huge part of who I am. But outside of that I live a happy life you know and that I’m hard headed like I need to stop focusing so hard on what they’ve done to me. I am happily married I have three new normal children and I have a job and you know it’s like I take those things for granted because I feel like I’m so flawed in so many ways emotionally and spiritually I feel like I am so far behind. But I was tired of feeling like that you know and so it like I’ve tried so hard to work on myself and to let that go. But you know like I said earlier it is hard to do that when it’s happening it’s like you know it’s like a sense of there’s not really closure. I get worried every day I’m going to get a call that one of my grandparents passed away that my mom has passed away that something had happened then I will be able to make things right. But I guess I’ve decided it’s like you know I’m here I’m here. If they want to talk to me I’m a glutton for punishment.

[00:47:35] You know I always let them back you know not you know my daughter trying to explain this to people that haven’t lived it is so funny because they just can’t fathom and you know I’ve tried to fathom it in my mind where I’ve said okay and now say this is like you believe you believe this to your whore and you believe that your children are going to die in Armageddon and they’re not going to come back. And you know so I’m thinking and I’m trying to put myself in my mom’s position and I’m thinking OK you think the only thing you can do is cut yourself off completely and hope and pray that they come back. And then it’s like oh hey hey kind and kind of see and then I’m like none of us have died. Now with everything you know we don’t know 100 percent what happened to us when we die all we know is that right now that’s where I can’t get past. Now you know ondan Mary three years and my husband has a very strong Christian leaning slightly you know integrated my way like into his church. And yet you would probably understand how hard at first for me. But I have I feel like I’ve gone there and you know the way I’m treated today in that church is Miles about the way I live and it’s like how can they say that I mean none of us know 100 percent. I get that. But how can they claim to have the truth. When I truly like these people do love me.

[00:49:27] They do accept me they don’t know nor do they care about what I’ve done since that’s not between me and them you know and so it’s it’s really changed the way that I you know I would’ve never guessed that I could have said I’m a member of another church when I was young you know and all those years I wasn’t seeing anything like that but I really wasn’t feeling it when it happened it just kind of fell into my lap. I went with them because I thought what else do I have to lose. Now at this point I personally do not want my children raised with a faith with a belief and you know they don’t even understand like you know my youngest has no idea who her grandparents are but I’m on my mom’s side and my little one I don’t think that either and my oldest one it’s like we never really knew her that well anyway. So it’s sad because the questions are going to come one day and I don’t know quite how to answer it yet. Thankfully they’re still young because I couldn’t bring it out you know and it’s just a shame they have left me with little tools to navigate this world and I feel angry for that. Now begun to try to heal as a result of not having any conversations with dad. I wish that it was. But I’m not the time you know how I have a conversation with one of them. It was a reminder that normal. Like I said I found it very interesting when I saw that video running. I was like How did they not know that they did what is supposed to be the truth doesn’t have new life.

[00:51:27] I don’t I just want to raise my family and I want them to know how much they are loved no matter who they are they are afraid however they want to be it to me that the beautiful thing because I would never give up. You know me and my husband are working hard to be able to take vacations. You know you just want to live life to the fullest. I want to live my life not afraid of everything that’s going to happen now. And I wish that my family could be a part of that. And you know maybe they will be one day but if they are expecting me to be so miserable that I come back that’s not what’s happening here. You know so yeah I’m I’m getting to a good place you know as a result of many years of contemplating what has happened which is good I would have never expected that years ago. Thank you for listening again. Feel free to leave a comment to today’s guest shun podcast dot com on the post for this episode. Music is always an important way of marking the journey and often helps us to process feelings that we can’t express at the time. So visit the website to see the songs chosen by each guest to represent their personal journey. Speaking of music all music on this podcast has been performed by Paddington Bear. If you appreciate this podcast please help others to it by leaving a five star review on iTunes which helps the show rank and get exposure. If you were shunned and wanted to sell your story email me through the contact form on the Web site or if you just want to say hi.

[00:53:28] Feel free to do the same if you’d like to know more about me and the cult of Jehovah’s Witnesses I encourage you to listen to my nine part series on the cult. At this J.W. life dot com we’re on the podcast called this J.W. life. Remember that those around you may be going through something like this and that you have no knowledge of. So give them the benefit of the doubt love others do no harm and go be happy.